Monday, August 29, 2011

The Diaper Genie

There is an empty spot in the corner of the house where the Diaper Genie used to be. Walking past this now vacant spot never fails to evoke a small cheer from me. I hated that freaking Diaper Genie.

The Genie may have been designed for ease, but it quickly became a dirty, stinky symbol of one of the worst parts of early parenting. There isn’t a single person alive who likes changing diapers, mother or father. But unlike my own father, who had the great fortune of being a parent in the 70’s where dads were held to a different social standard and therefore has never changed a diaper in his life, my wife and I were equal partners in this parenting thing. Meaning, we both had to deal with a lot of shit.

In addition to diaper changes, it was my job to replace the bag inside the Genie. Somehow, like my kids, it seemed in constant need of changing. I couldn’t take my diaper-fueled aggression out on my children, so I channeled it towards the Genie. Over the years I grew to loathe it. Yet there it sat in the corner of my house, mocking me.

I wanted to destroy it, Office Space style. Or have Andrew W.K. blow it up in some spectacular fashion. But I didn’t have access to explosives and I thought it might have freaked out the kids to see their daddy bashing it in the backyard with a baseball bat. I was close to being rid of the damn thing too. But Sprout, like in every other phase in her life, was steadfast in her stubbornness and refused to poop on the potty.

The day finally arrived not with a bang, but with the polite urging of my wife to finally be rid of it. Even though we had agreed that the Genie’s services were no longer required, there it sat. My wife grew tired of waiting for me to devise a clever plan to demolish the thing and hinted that it might disappear on it’s own. But this was my funeral to give. So I opted for a simple and unceremonial burial in the trash bin. On trash day, I gleefully wheeled it out to the curb and waited for the green truck to arrive.

Usually the kids run to the window to gaze upon the garbage truck as it collects our refuse, like a couple of cats staring down a squirrel on the tree in the yard. However, that day when the truck came to collect I stood along side them, watching and happily waving goodbye to the Genie forever.

13 comments:

Nam said...

very cute.

tysdaddy said...

We never had a Diaper Genie, but a friend of ours did. It too sat in a lonely corner of the room, only theirs seemed to be the center of an ever-hovering community of flies. Round and round they'd go, occasionally dive-bombing the lid. The best part? That sausage roll that came out when emptying the damn thing. Eww!!!

Ah, the memories. Just the other day, my wife and I were talking about how we definitely don't miss the Diaper Days . . .

Great post. Long time, no read. Glad to remedy that.

SFD said...

We had a genie, but abandoned it when our local garbage collection stopped taking its bags in the green bin (compost).

Your escalator operator said...

Definitely cause for celebration. Congrats!

Can you replace it with something of roughly equal size/shape but that is inversely proportional in entertainment value?

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Nam....Thanks.

Tys...Welcome back! I can proudly report that we never had flies around ours.

SFD...So many times I wanted to abandon it, but it made our garbage even smellier and my chores a whole lot worse.

YEO...The only thing I can think of is R2D2. Hmmm...maybe that's a good idea!

FilmFather said...

There's nothing more disheartening than when you try to shove one more diaper into the Genie and the current contents won't budge. Do I take time now to empty the green, opaque links of dirty diapers in the trash, or shove hard (risking excess run-off on my hand) and change it later?

I must say, I mastered the art of emptying our Diaper Genie. I call it the "trap door" technique, where I take the lid off our kitchen garbage can, position the Genie above the can, and press the button on the Genie's base. Bombs away!

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Daddy Geek Boy said...

FilmFather...The blade never really cut the bag well, so could never get the trap-door technique to work for me.

James (SeattleDad) said...

If it were a real genie, you would have got at least one wish out of it.

Good ridance. One day that will be us too. Maybe I'll blow mine up.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

James...For me, blow it up. Pleeeaase?

Surfer Jay said...

Using a diaper genie is like making a deal with the devil. Sure, how conveniant to leave your kids poop right there in their room. hell, who doesn't like to leave their poop in their room? But just as with a devil deal, they get you in the end. Who wants to unload an entire bag full of poop thats been fermenting for days, perhaps weeks if you live around here....

I threw mine out after a few months. Stank up the room awful. We started using those small diaper waste doggie poop style bags for the dipes and just tosh them in the trash. Easy peezy mac and cheesy.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Jay...So you're saying it should've been called the "Diaper Devil"?

JD Surfs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Surfer Jay said...

I second that notion.