Monday, April 12, 2010

Scary Toy Story

Turn down the lights because I have a scary story to tell. Everything you are about to read is completely true.

It started innocently, the way that these things usually do. The Bean was given a toy truck for his birthday. After unwrapping the present, we discovered that the truck went against our usual toy guidelines, which stipulated that toys that with lights and sounds needed to have an off switch (lest the added stimuli drive mommy and daddy to commit a violent act). Making matters worse was that the truck was motion activated. All it took was a slight nudge for it to make a loud engine sound, VROOOM!, followed by a HONK! HONK!

The boy loved this truck from the moment he saw it while I loathed it with the white hot passion that only a fellow parent will understand. But the Bean was crazy about his new toy, so I put up with the noise for his sake. Needless to say that it wasn’t long before the toy drove me completely insane. VROOOM! HONK! HONK!

Time went by and thankfully the toy was forgotten and heaped in the bin to live amongst the Bean’s other forgotten cars and trucks. But this truck, this evil truck, didn’t want to be forgotten. It would make itself known from the bottom of the bin. The kids would wrestle on the floor and we’d hear VROOOM! HONK! HONK! Somebody would walk past, VROOOM! HONK! HONK!

The truck soon began to torment me. There would be times when the toy would go off for no reason. I would be sitting in the other room and hear it. VROOOM! HONK! HONK! It began to happen at night, when the house was dark and I was the only one awake. VROOOM! HONK! HONK!

I finally had my fill of the wretched toy truck, so one day when the kids were out of the house with WonderWife™, I decided to do what I should had done long ago. I was going to end it.

I grabbed a screwdriver and slowly approached the toy bin. The truck seemed to know that I was coming and let out a VROOOM! HONK! HONK! as if to say, “What are you doing, DGB?”

I fished the truck out of the bin, flipped it over and gingerly went to work. But when I removed the battery cover, I was met with a most shocking sight:

It was completely empty! There were no batteries in the toy!

I recoiled and dropped the truck. How could this be? There was only one answer: this vile toy was surely forged out of pure evil from the fiery depths. There was no way I was going to live under the same roof as a possessed toy. I’d seen enough horror movies to know that doing so will always end badly.

I quickly took the demonic truck outside and tossed it in the dumpster. In a few days it would be off of my property and would no longer haunt me.

I imagine that the truck is now resting in some landfill, buried beneath trash and debris still making its ungodly noise. But somehow I don’t think I’ve seen the last of it. Each night when my family is asleep and I make my way through the dark house, locking up for the evening, I can still hear it…VROOOM! HONK! HONK!


SciFi Dad said...

My kids are the ones whose mother puts masking tape on the speakers of all their toys to muffle the sound. All the other two year olds laugh at them as they try to peel off the tape instead of playing with the toy.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

We have had such evil toys in our house. I loved it when we moved recently and one of the movers picked up a box...and the kids toy phone started talking to him. He was just a wee bit confused. I told him I hadn't heard anything :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

sounds like the Ouji board of trucks! That is freaky... just sayin.

I bet it shows up at the bottom of that toy pile again... (enter creepy music now)

Your escalator operator said...

I think you handled it the right way.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

SciFi...Sometimes even tape doesn't work.

Andrea...Ha! That's awesome.

Shelle...I know it's coming back. I know it.

YEO...I'm not sure. Somehow I think I should have burned it. Or dismantled it. Or buried it beneath holy ground.

Surfer Jay said...

The dump by your house is on an ancient indian burial ground....lock your toy chest.

SheSaid/HeSaid said...

When my kids were little, my single best friend bought the most obnoxious toys for my kids - noise, lights, etc.

Years later, she married and had two little girls. I got my revenge - I went and bought equally loud, obnoxious toys for her kids.

She called me one day and said she was ready to kill me - because of the toys. I said "Welcome to my world". She immediately got it and we both vowed we would never buy another non-parent friendly toy. Hee, hee ! ! ! !

starlightsound said...

I'm Truckie, wanna play?

Couldn't miss an opportunity for a Child's Play reference.

missylovesyou said...

The kids I used to nanny for had an incredibly indulgent Grandma that would encourage them to make "wish lists" of toys for her to buy. Unfortunately a lot of these toys were the noisy kind. While the kids would nap I'd take the batteries out sometimes. If the kids ever asked why it was "broken" I'd just say it was sleepy.

So now, years later, when the cordless phone or remote control batteries die, the kids tell me "it's sleeping!" and crack up.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Jay...I may never buy another toy again.

SheSaid/HeSaid...Glad you guys came to an understanding. That is a situation that could have escalated...with hilarious results.

Starlight...Yeah, that's about right.

Missy...Unfortunately for my, my kids know about batteries and that I have a stash of replacements.

Keith Wilcox said...

It's the ultimate parenting Stephen King scare fest. What if it amasses an army of other chucked toys at the garbage heap and comes marching back to you pissed? Then whatcha gonna do? :-)

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Keith...What am I going to do? Probably wet myself.

James (SeattleDad) said...

Don't answer a knocking on your door at 3AM. Consider yourself warned.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

James...Gotta be honest: I won't hear a knocking at my door at 3am cause I'm a deep sleeper and WonderWife™ is a light sleeper. She'd be the one facing the terrifying zombie toy onslaught.

A Vapid Blonde said...

You know the only real way to rid your self of the curse is to bury it and then light a ceremonial fire on the vernal equinox at midnight under a full moon?


(my captcha is vroooom)

laurencenunn said...

Here's your problem. This truck is set to evil.