Celebrity Lists

Over at Hot Dads today, I discuss celebrity lists. You know, that mythic list you have that gives you a "get out of the relationship for free" card if you make willing contact with a celebrity.

The Obligatory Summer Movie List

As a kid, summer used to mean everything. No school. Long days. Camp. Now that I’m a workin’ man, the only thing that summer means is that it’s hotter outside when I trudge back and forth to the office. Well, that and movies.

As we rapidly approach the start of the summer movie season, which seems to start a little bit earlier every year, here are the things that are attracting my attention.*


*There are dozens of other movies coming out, some of which may be good, but this list is already long enough.


I THINK (HOPE) THEY WILL BE GOOD

STAR TREK
I’m not a Trekker, but I’m a nerd. This movie looks awesome.

UP
It’s Pixar. Nothing more needs to be said.

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER
A new approach to boy meets girl. I read this script a few years ago. It was charming. It was heartbreaking. It was the thinking person’s romantic comedy. I hear the movie has done the script justice.

THE HANGOVER
Three guys attempt to find their friend who went missing the night before during their Vegas bachelor party. It’s got all the ingredients for a great comedy. It’s from the director of Old School and Road Trip and it’s got Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms.

PUBLIC ENEMIES
Johnny Depp as Dillinger. Though the trailer gives away way too much, I think this one’s going to have style to spare.

TERMINATOR: SALVATION
I’m cautiously optimistic for this one. I just hope it’s not brainless.

BRUNO
If you loved Borat… It’s going to be very funny only if all of the jokes haven’t been spoiled before you see the movie. It already has a lot to live up to. I’m currently on media lockdown on this one.

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
Similar to Star Trek, I’m not usually a fan of WWII movies…unless they’re directed by Quentin Tarantino

EXTRACT
It’s Mike Judge (Office Space). Nothing more needs to be said.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS – See the trailer? I think this looks great.


JUST NOT SURE ABOUT THESE

WOLVERINE
It’s going to be big and bloated and not nearly as good as X-Men 1 and 2. However, I’m sure it will be better than X-Men 3.

FUNNY PEOPLE
My man crush on Seth Rogen not withstanding, Judd Apatow looks like he’s channeling James L. Brooks. I want to believe that this is going to be great, but I just don’t know.

LAND OF THE LOST
Will Ferrell has tried big budget blockbusters before (remember Bewtiched?). I hope that this time he gets it right.

TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE
I am madly in love with the book. But there is no way that the movie is going to do it justice.


RUN FAR AWAY

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST
How many times can Matthew McConaughey play the same role? According to WonderWife™, as many times as he wants. That doesn’t mean I need to be there.

TRANSFORMERS 2 - It’s Michael Bay. Nothing more needs to be said.

YEAR ONE
I hate to hate on this one with Judd Apatow producing, Harold Ramis (“Groundhog Day”) directing and Jack Black and Michael Cera starring, but I think it’s gonna be a stinker.

GI JOE
Stephen Sommers looks like he’s channeling Michael Bay.

ICE AGE 3
It’s got Scrat and dinosaurs, so there’s a 100% chance I’m going to be seeing this with the Bean. But that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be good.

DANCE FLICK
It looks way better than EPIC MOVIE or MEET THE SPARTANS, but that’s not saying very much. But why make a parody when the main movie you are spoofing (in this case “Save the Last Dance”) is over 8 years old?

ANGELS AND DEMONS
Tom Hanks pisses off Catholicism once again. As a child of the 80s, it’s sad that I don’t care about Tom Hanks anymore. It’s not that I think this will be a bad movie, but it’s one that I’m wholeheartedly not interested in seeing.

(click to read)

New Product Review: Kentucky Grilled Chicken

In the aftermath of my post about KFC’s new Kentucky Grilled Chicken, you asked me to try it. Since I crave your adulation and acceptance, over the weekend I scooped up the Bean and headed to see the Colonel in order to score us a bucket. Thus begins my very first reader request post. You asked for it...here we go:

Here’s how KFC tells you it looks:



And here’s how it actually looked:


Nutrition-wise, I have to admit that I’m impressed. Each piece of KGC has nearly half the calories of their fried counterparts and considerably less fat and saturated fat (we’re talking Original Recipe. You don’t even want to know how bad the Extra Crispy is for you). In fact, a breast of KFC’s grilled chicken is only slightly worse for you than a regular piece of grilled chicken you’d make at home.

But it doesn’t matter how healthy it is if it doesn’t taste good. Rice cakes are nutritionally sound, but I’ve had the same bag sitting untouched on the top of my fridge for over a year and a half. This is where KGC loses it’s edge. The taste is fine, though nothing spectacular. It doesn't have nearly the flavor of those fabled 11 herbs and spices that compose the fried variety (though truthfully I've really only ever been able to detect two--salt and pepper). I was glad it wasn't overly salty. WW™ thought it had a decent smoky flavor. The Bean couldn’t have cared less, but he’s a borderline vegetarian. Not surprisingly, Sprout, who we have dubbed “the human garbage disposal”, gobbled it up. While the chicken was fine in the taste department it was dry, which was a killer for the breasts and an utter catastrophe for the wings, whose meat was so crunchy they were practically inedible. As a huge fan of the chicken wing, this was a collosal disappointment.

I give KFC kudos for actually delivering a fast food product that holds up its end of the bargain health-wise. But at the end of the day, if I’m eating KFC and having to suffer through soupy mashed potatoes and day-glo mac and cheese, I’m having the fried stuff. My life is not devoid of tasty, healthy chicken (thank you Zankou), so I see no future need to fork over my cash for these birds. Kentucky Grilled Chicken has nothing on the rotisserie chicken from Costco.

Incidentally, if you want to try it for yourself, KFC is giving away free pieces of KGC today only. If you have some, tell me what you think.

Aftermath

I had my vasectomy in the morning, which meant I got to spend the rest of the day in bed, with a bag of frozen corn on my crotch. (Yes, I know frozen peas are the industry standard, but I had to work with what we had in on hand—and what WonderWife™ would willingly spare from the freezer.)

That day, I had a decision to make--I could hide in the bedroom or I could sit on the couch, which meant that the Bean would see me when he got home from pre-school and probably ask me to read him Curious George books for the rest of the day. Even though it meant that I was without access to the HD TV and Blu-Ray player, robbing me of the perfect opportunity to finish watching season 1 of “Mad Men”, I decided the smart play was to stay in the bedroom.

In the evening I emerged, slowly and tenderly, from the bedroom while the Bean was eating dinner. Sure enough, all he wanted to do was climb into bed with me and read. Upon seeing the frozen bag of veg on in my lap he stared at me with titled head and asked, “Why?” I told him that I had gotten hurt and the doctor helped make me better. Then I asked him kindly to stop bouncing on the bed.

The next day at breakfast, the Bean wanted to know more.

“Did you have an owie on your penis?” he asked.

“Uh…yes. You could say that.”

“How did you get it?”

My mind raced through possible explanations, but I drew a blank. All I could think about was that whatever I told him would most likely be repeated to his friends, his teachers, anyone who looked at him in the mall…

WonderWife™ giggled from the kitchen. She called out, “I’ve never seen you so flummoxed answering a question before.”

You...

WonderWife™ called my cell as I was making my way towards a friend's house to watch "South Park."

"You have to hear this." She held the phone up to the baby monitor's speaker.

I could hear the Bean's small, tired voice singing.

"Oh baby....yoooooooooooooouuuuuu

you got what I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed...

but you say he's just a...friend...

but you say he's just a friend..."

Closing the Baby Shop, Part 4

Over at Hot Dads today is the thrilling conclusion to the epic tale of the closing of the Geek Boy baby-making shop.

Here's a little bit:

At the doctor’s office, I was outfitted in the classic open backed surgery gown and a pair of blue socks that had puffy paint treads on the bottom, similar to what can be found on the soles of the socks of my infant daughter. I was led to the operating room and left to wait, bare assed, blue bootied, shorn and nervous.

Conflicted

I love KFC. In fact, WonderWife™ and I met over a bucket of the Colonel's finest and every year to mark that occasion, we eat fried chicken together. So to us, it's sacrilege to eat anything but during the once a year we feast on KFC.

However, I also have a love for new products. And KFC has recently offered up this:


Kentucky Grilled Chicken. I must admit that I'm fascinated. So much to the chagrin of WonderWife™, who disapproves of my interest in this kind of bucket, I think I might have to try it.

What do you think?

Pop Culture Sponge

“Look Daddy, there’s Diego!” the Bean said pointing to a poster of that animated hyperactive kid who’s the cousin of that other animated hyperactive kid. Last month, he called out Tinkerbell by name from an ad in the mall. Before that, he correctly ID’d Spongebob on a box of cereal in them supermarket. I have no idea how he knows these characters. They do not have a presence in my house.

It should come as no surprise to you that growing up I was a TV junkie. It was commonplace for me to zone out in front of the big glowing box for hours, literally tuning out the rest of the world. It got so bad that my parents not only had to limit my TV viewing time, but they locked me out of the house to insure that I would get some fresh air. It’s very likely that my son has inherited my Geek Boy genes, but I’d always figured that I had plenty of time before they kicked in and he’s ignoring me while bathed in the glorious glow of an HD signal. So WonderWife™ and I are very careful to limit the amount of time we plop the kid in front of the set. As a result, his exposure to pop culture is limited to Yo Gabba Gabba, Curious George and a handful of Pixar movies. But I guess nature finds a way and my son’s heritage is poking through.

The Bean’s ability to absorb pop culture is astounding. He was only exposed to Elmo for an instant and he was easily able to identify him a week later, unprompted. After a single trip to Disneyland, the Bean could recognize Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Pluto and Donald, even though we only encountered two of them in the park. He was even able to name a minor character like Daisy Duck. How did that happen? I must admit that some pop culture he knows because of me. How else would he be able to point out Homer Simpson? And he knows that the red-suited hero on his scooter is Spider Man.

But for the most part, the Bean is a pop culture sponge. And he’s soaking up more every day. I have to admit that a part of me is quite impressed that he's becoming like me. The other part is worried that he's becoming like me.

Closing the Baby Shop, Part 3

The saga of my adventures to neuter myself continues over at Hot Dads today. Now with extra humiliation!

Here's an excerpt:

During my consultation, I had been instructed to shave the night before the surgery. This was a surprise. I had listened to many anecdotes about vasectomies and none of them included self-shaving. Nonetheless, I arrived home from work that night and headed into the bathroom, armed with determination, electric clippers and my Gillette Fusion.

Favorite Movie Characters

Super Mega Dad tagged me in his most recent post, asking me to list my top 10 favorite movie characters. This is kind of like asking me to choose a favorite out of peanut butter, steak or bacon. A lot of really strong choices have been included in some of the other blogger's lists, so rather than repeat, I'll give you some fresh choices.


Han Solo - Star Wars Trilogy

Growing up it was all about Luke Skywalker, until we got older and realized that Han Solo was bad-ass. He flew the Millenium Falcon, he had a totally sweet blaster and he definitely shot first.




Lloyd Dobbler - Say Anything

One of the ultimate cinematic geeks in one of the greatest teen flicks of the 80s.




Ash - Evil Dead Trilogy

Bruce Campbell didn't invent cool, but he totally defines it.



Beetlejuice – Beetlejuice

I've seen this movie about 167 times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it. Beetlejuice is one of the strangest, most inventive movies ever. How can you go wrong with a thin, hunky Alec Baldwin, Geena Davis, a 17 year old Winona Ryder, Batman, Mr. Rooney, Harry Belafonte and stop motion animation?




General Zod – Superman II

I don't think I need to justify this pick to anyone. Kneel before him.




John McClane – Die Hard

In the summer of '88, Die Hard blew me out of the back of the theater. Over two decades and four movies later, John McClane is still one of the best action heroes out there.



Napoleon Dynamite - Napoleon Dynamite

He's weird. He's a horrible dresser. He's mean. He's ugly. You shouldn't root for him, yet you totally do.



Martin Riggs - Lethal Weapon / Lethal Weapon 2

Bat shit crazy. But totally freakin' cool. Martin Riggs is one of the most complex action heroes in the movies. That is until the crappy second and third sequels that took away his suicidal tendencies, gave him a steady girlfriend and neutered everything that was cool about him. Let's try to forget that Lethal Weapons 3 & 4 ever existed and bask in the glow of Martin Riggs when he was at his psychotic best, shall we?



Brick Tamland - Anchorman

I love lamp.



Marty McFly – Back to the Future Trilogy

He invented rock and roll. He rode a hover board. He made wearing a vest cool. Without a doubt, Marty McFly is the ultimate movie nerd. The original Back to the Future is a perfect movie and one of my all time favorites.




So...what do you think? Agree? Disagree? Who did I leave off? Let's talk movies.

Thanks to Super Mega Dad for including me in this. Be sure to check out his blog. Now it's up to me to tag a few others so here goes:

Your Escalator Operator @ Sorry for the Convenience
Tent Camper @ I Pee in the Wind
Cameron @ Get the Stink Off
Vancetastic @ The Audient

You're up fellas. See you at the movies.

Sports Talk

Join me over at Hot Dads today where I talk sports. Or more accurately, talk about a lack of talking about sports.

The Natural Defense Mechanism

Nature has provided many animals with defenses against their enemies. Skunks spray. Snakes bite. Jellyfish sting. But how do you discipline a kid who has a natural defense mechanism?

We are in the thick of it now. The Bean has rounded the corner and is racing towards three and a half. The pendulum that is his mood swings back and forth so much that I’m getting whiplash. He’s constantly testing the boundaries, which is his prerogative as a pre-schooler. But it’s also my prerogative to get angry when he breaks the rules.

All of the parenting advice heaped upon us poor saps with pre-schoolers says you gotta lay down the law, and stuff your ears with cotton so you can shut out the tantrums when you do. For us, this is proving to be a bit difficult. It all starts off fairly normally. The Bean’s eyes get damp and the hysterics begin. Once the screams start, he will no longer listen to reason. At this point, most parents will send the kid to their room to chill out. But we can’t do that because the Bean leaks like an old roof in a rainstorm when he gets upset. The wetting of his pants causes the Bean to get more upset, completely obscuring the reason for sending to his room in the first place. The kid isn’t going to calm down after he’s peed himself. We are confident that this emptying of the bladder is involuntary, but the fact remains that we cannot let him finish out a crying jag on his own without going through multiple pairs of pants and underwear, paper towels and sometimes bed sheets. Disciplining the Bean is like hucking a water balloon. At some point, the thing is going to break, soaking everything in its path.

We’re pretty much stumped at this point. We’re living with a raging toddler who has the bladder of an excitable puppy. However I don’t think swatting him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper is going to do the trick.

A Job Not Done

I tried to be a good husband and have everything taken care of around the house on the eve of my family’s return. All of the laundry had been done and the house was clean and in order. I knew that after spending 10 days being the sole caregiver of two rambunctious children (in South Jersey nonetheless), then spending 6 hours cooped up on a plane, that WonderWife’s™ grip on sanity would be tenuous at best. So the least I could do was to make her re-entry as smooth as possible. I had been given a shopping list of a few things we needed for Passover this week. While shopping I also realized we were out of a few staples in our fridge.

WonderWife™ and the kids returned, all looking pretty worse for the wear, but happy to be home. While the kids were napping, I took the opportunity to brag to her about my completing the shopping list.

“Did you buy milk?” she asked.

Proudly I said, “Yes. And eggs too.”

“How about any fresh fruit?”

I hung my head sheepishly.

“Or any other food? Is there anything in the house for the kids to eat this week?”

If it would have been possible to hang my head lower, I would have. “No,” I said. “But I bought eggs and milk!”

The next morning, WonderWife™ was making her shopping list while I ran around getting ready for work.

“Did you get a new bulb for the lamp above the kitchen table?” She called out to me.

The bulb was one of those oddly shaped halogen dealies not found where regular bulbs are sold, and the unfortunate answer was “no.” And here is where I made my colossal mistake:

“I didn’t have time,” I said.

WonderWife™ shook her head in stunned amazement. “You didn’t have time?” she said. “You didn’t have time between watching movies? Or calling the maids? Or playing poker?”

I realized that I said the wrong thing, but to use a poker term I was pot committed and had to stay firm. “I stand by my statement. I didn’t have time.”

The Bean, who was quietly playing with his trucks next to us suddenly perks up and whispers to WW™, “Daddy didn’t do his job, huh?”

Crispy Treat Ice Cream

While perusing the aisles of Whole Foods, gathering ingredients for a feast I was going to make myself during my weekend of solitude, I stumbled upon something new in the freezer section.



QB’s are bites of ice cream wrapped up in a rice crispy treat. Simply brilliant! This is one of those genius ideas that, frankly, I’m amazed nobody has thought of before. They certainly looked appealing, and the little cartoon mascot was cute in a demented sort of way. But how would they taste?

I am happy to report that QB’s rule. The treats were bigger than I expected. Each cube is 2 inches by 1½ inches (so technically it’s not really a cube but aside from a few geometers, is anyone really going to care?). The crispy treat outside was predictably crunchy and chewy, avoiding getting too soggy or too hard because of the freezing. The ice cream was an excellent foil to the crispy treat, though be warned that there is much less ice cream inside than the picture on the package would have you believe. Surprisingly, there was a hint of saltiness in the coating, which we all know brings out the best in sweet flavors and totally welcome here.

I also like food companies that let some weirdness seep through. Flipping over the box, I learned that they have personified the aforementioned cartoon mascot crispy cube and named him Esquivel. According to the box, Esquivel enjoys “extreme activities and high action sports…but chillin’ is a definite must.” I’m not really sure how an ice cream bar can be into action sports, but I am not one who demands logic from my frozen treats or the companies that make them.

I feel like it’s been a while since there was a new product that has come along that has made me as sublimely happy as QB’s. They also come in chocolate (named “Dave”) and strawberry (“Suzy Cube”) and I’m anxious to sample those as well.

A Geek Alone

On the morning of the third day, I was tired of waking up to a quiet house. The silence served only to remind me that I was alone. I peeled myself out of bed and slogged through my morning routine, missing the chaotic sounds of breakfast that are normally just beyond my bedroom door. It wasn’t until I got into the office that I realized that the only time I had spoken all morning was to leave a message on WonderWife’s™ voicemail.

How can you tell that I’ve been alone all week? This is my fifth post in as many days.

I miss them. I miss the chaos. The inane conversations with the Bean about Lightning McQueen and the smiles from Sprout. I miss WonderWife™. There’s nobody around to call me a “geek” when I’m watching cartoons or playing video games. I’m done with this life of solitude. I’m ready for my family to come home.

Twitter Simulator 2

Twitter Simulator II

Well, it's no surprise to anyone that I was foolin' yesterday. I realize that I need to step up my game. A lot of people know me on Facebook or in real life (IRL as per the current venacular), so it was pretty transparent. Speaking of the web 2.0, everybody’s all “Twitter this” and “tweet that”. But why sign up for another social networking site when I can fake it by posting a bunch of my Facebook status updates? (Apologies to anyone who is my Facebook friend for making you re-read this stuff.)


DGB is once again traversing the Valley in order to be reunited with his family. Expect unabashed tears of joy when he arrives.

DGB didn't think he was going to sing "Moon River" but, bam, second encore!

DGB 's kids are in bed, kitchen cleaned, everything is done that needs to be done. Think I'm gonna go watch people hurt themselves on trampolines.

DGB is publicly preparing his wife...I am going to be monopolizing the TV tonight. I have over three hours of Battlestar to watch tonight.

DGB thinks his wife is frakkin' awesome, and will now return the TV to the rest of the family.

DGB wants to comment about how fast the day went in a funny, witty way, but just can't think of anything dammit.

DGB has a lot of things to do today. No time for status updates.

DGB is rather tired of Curious George.

DGB will be best friends with coffee today.

DGB is yawning a lot. But that doesn't mean he's tired. No sir. Sleep is for suckers.

DGB is calling in caffeinated reinforcements at quarter to one

DGB is confused. He thought "Watchmen" was about clockmakers in the 60's.

DGB learned that, unfortunately, when the baby won't stop screaming, screaming back doesn't help.

DGB loves it when: 1) he gets to take a nap. 2) he wakes up from said nap and doesn't feel all groggy. 3) a plan comes together.

DGB has seen the Exorcist about 167 times and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it.

DGB has rekindled his love affair with pistachios.*

DGB has pondered the deep questions of life, but forgot to write down the answers and promptly forgot them.

*This one was, unfortunately, just before the recent pistachio recall. Sigh.

A Confession

This is hard for me to say. I’ve been lying to you. I’m sorry, but I have. Everything I’ve written here for the past 2½ years has been untrue. I am not a dad. I am not even married. The Bean, Sprout, WonderWife™…all figments of my over-active imagination. A fantasy made all too real by the constant writing of this blog. I don’t even have any pets. The images I’ve posted? I got them from Flickr. In truth, I am a 56 year-old man. I live alone in a studio apartment in Northridge. I work in a cubicle doing data entry for a company that sells tile and flooring. I have a few friends and every once in a while, I go out on a date.

I want to thank you all for your support over the years. I'm going to continue to write, but now that I have come clean, the subjects of my blog will change somewhat. However, I still think that you'll enjoy my stories about work and of my attempts at dating. I'm just figuring out how to use some of those internet dating services. I know that if I keep at it, I will find that someone special and hopefully have kids for real one day.