Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Bean Monologues

The Bean said his first word at 12 months old and he hasn't stopped talking since. I'm not exaggerating. From the moment he wakes up, to the moment he goes to sleep, he is constantly talking. Following his conversations is akin to watching a disc fall through the Plinko machine. He bounces around from topic to topic, saying whatever enters his brain. He could be speaking to me, to WonderWife™, to himself, it doesn't matter. Half the time we have no idea what he's talking about.

The following is one of the Bean's monologues, presented here completely unedited. He begins talking about his caterpillar, which we got from a children's museum, with the intent of watching it transform into a butterfly. After that, you're on your own...

“We don’t touch it, so it flies away. The caterpillar is getting bigger. The big one is already gone it went so fast, that little caterpillar. It got so fast. You say, ‘get out of my way’ when they’re angry. Instead of saying, 'please.' Just, 'get out of my way.' They don’t say, 'please.' Just, ‘get out of my way.' They’re angry. 'Can you please get out of my way?' I don’t want to drink anymore of this juice. I don’t want to drink some more of the apple juice. Stop telling me to drink it. I don’t want to drink it. I’m full of apple juice. I don’t want to drink it any more. I don’t want to drink my juice any more, daddy. I don’t want to drink it. I don’t want to. I don’t need my juice here because I don’t want to taste it any more. I'm all done with it. Tasting it. I don’t want to taste it any more. Daddy, I don’t want to drink it. I don’t want to. Daddy, I don’t want to drink it. I feel better. It’s feel better juice. [takes a big sip of the juice] I ate all of the juice. [Looks at sippy cup] Look, we got red and red. Look at my shadow at the red window. It’s the shadow of my cup. It’s the window of my house. It’s a very red window. It’s the window of our house. It’s the camera of the window. See it? See that shadow? It’s very red. Daddy, why is the sky blue? I like that color, blue. Lighting is Red. Red is my favorite color. He said, 'do you like that color red' and I said, 'Yes, I do like that color red.' My nose stopped running. I feel better in my neck. Do I have adult teeth? I know that my baby teeth are stuck together. They are still not coming out. I’m not getting adult teeth. I think I’m still not getting adult teeth. Because I’m not getting adult. I’m not going to get higher. I’m not going to get taller and taller. It takes a while. In a couple of days, I will. I can’t stop my long, long arm to touch the back of a train. Cause sometimes we can’t ride on them because they are closed. There are some trains we can’t ride. Where we see those horses there is a windmill there. There is a windmill there where we see those donkeys and horses. There is a windmill there. One time I’ll show you that windmill there, with those horses, Daddy. Today we’re going to go to that thing, that place and you’re going to see the windmill. When we get to it, we’re going to see it. I’m going to show it to you."

18 comments:

SciFi Dad said...

Wow... does he need to be reminded to breathe?

Seriously... from caterpillars to apple juice to red windows to windmills (where are you going... Holland?)

cIII said...

Well.

It's hard t argue with that kind of Logic.

Sweet Dancing Cyborg! If the Bean ever met the Tater, well, it'd be a Filibuster for the Ages.

Floor Pie said...

That's awesome. When's his first poetry slam?

Your escalator operator said...

There's a song or two in there somehwere.

kommishonerjenny said...

That's some trippy shit right there.

ZenMom said...

It's kind of pretty. In a manic sort of way. My four-year-old has been known to mount similar monologues. But not ALL the time. I think I would have to start tuning out every now and then if he did it all the time. Processor overload. :)

Andromeda said...

i'm listening to the dictator's own monologue right now. i hope it gets better.... soon. it is driving me crazy. maybe we could find a padded room for all the talkers and then all of us parents could just stare quietly at each other for a while.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

SciFi...Somehow it all makes sense to him.

CIII...I think we should work on that, get it on tape, put it on YouTube. We'll be (virtually) famous.

FloorPie...I'm printing up the fliers now.

YEO...I think Beck has already recorded a song like this.

Kommishioner...It's all WW™ and I can do but not to laugh as we sit there listening.

ZenMom...I try to tune out, but he pulls me back in. "Dad? Daddy? Are you listening, Daddy?"

Andromeda...I wish I had a solution for you, besides earplugs or noise-canceling headphones.

Melinda said...

Oh boy do I know what you're talking about! Sometimes it's hilarious, but sometimes it drives me crazy! I mean seriously, what are you talking about?! Will it ever end?! Sheesh. Kids, gotta love 'em!

Sadie said...

It all makes total sense to me.

I love kids that age! My friend has a brother who was a lot younger than us (a preschooler while we were in high school). He used to say hanging out with his brother was like hanging out with a drunk or high person. So random, and so true.

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Wow! We need to get the Bean and the bunny together. Maybe they'd tire each other out!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

LOL, just wait till he gets older and see what kind of thing he says then. He has a great range though from what I can see. Maybe he's going to be a storyteller?

Lady Mama said...

Haha! That's awesome. I've only just started reading your blog, so am not sure how old your son is. Boy can he talk. Sounds kinda like my (oldest) boy, who's 23 months, except in his case, replacing most of the words with babble that I don't understand. :)

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Melinda...I feel like I need a Bean to English book sometimes.

Sadie...Maybe you could write the Bean to English book.

MTM...I dare to think of the scary conversations that would come of that.

Andrea...I imagine when he gets to college and experiments drugs/alcohol, his conversations are probably going to sound very similar.

LadyMama...Thank you for reading!! The Bean is fast approaching 3 1/2. For future reference, Sprout, my daughter, is 10 mos. You've got a cute boy in your avatar there.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL... MY MIND is spinning right now. Ya know what I'm more impressed with though? That you remembered it all!

My kid say one ting, and I forget it a minute later.

Steph said...

That sounds so much like the conversations at our house. It's so funny to hear her tell her Daddy these stories on the cell phone when he's out of town. He will get on the phone and ask me if he missed something important, and normally the answer is no.

blissfully caffeinated said...

I refuse to read all of that because I have two small children and I have to listen to very similar types of monologues ALL DAY LONG. And my ears are bleeding. And my eye is still at half mast.

SweetPeaSurry said...

Seriously, I think I just had an aneurysm. I'm sending you the bill, no no ... that's wrong ... I'm sending BEAN the bill!!! LOL

bright blessings!