Transformers sold 8.3 million copies on DVD in its first week on sale. To honor that special occasion, I am re-posting this letter:
Dear Michael Bay,
I want to thank you for the time I spent watching your latest masterpiece, Transformers. As expected, it was very big and very loud and very long. Summer blockbusters usually don't live up to the hype, but I know you poured your heart into this movie and boy, did it show. The special effects were amazing. The intricate designs of the Transformers were astounding. And I know you know this because you were thoughtful enough to shoot everything close up, so we could really see it. Sure it was a bit difficult to make out the Autobots from the Decepitcons, but trying to figure out what exactly is going on in the middle of an action scene is part of the fun, right? I'm sure the choreography of the fight scenes were intricate and dazzling. And I very much appreciated the cinema verite hand-held camera work. The dizziness and headache that I got during the movie really helped me feel like I was part of the action, even long after the movie was over.
I'm glad you paid close attention to making sure the story was tight and made sense. There was not a wasted minute on screen. I know that each time Shia and the hot chick were arrested, it worked to ramp up the tension and didn't feel repetitive at all. It felt totally natural that a rogue fraction of the government would want to get in the way of our heroes saving the day because as we know, the government is evil. I'm sure Section 7 had good reasons for wanting to make sure Shia failed in helping Optimus defeat Megatron, though there wasn't enough time in the movie to explain it. I realize that it's hard to tell a full story in two and a half hours, so I'm going to chalk up the many plot holes to simply not having enough time. I mean, it took Peter Jackson three movies to tell the whole Lord of the Rings story, right?
I must also commend you on the amazing performances you got out of your cast. Sure, Shia was great but when is he not, right? I'm talking about the tour de force of John Turturro and Jon Voight. In my humble opinion, they gave the performances of their careers and will surely not be forgotten come awards season.
And may I say that you, sir, are truly a master of comedy. You have filled the movie with tons of comic relief, needed or not, because you know that movie audiences love to laugh. I think my favorite part was when the guy from Las Vegas had to fish the wallet out of the other soldier's pants so he could make an emergency call to the Pentagon all while in the middle of being attacked by a giant fucking robot. Not only was it hilarious, but it was well timed and concieved. And bravo to you for the set piece where the Transformers had to hide from Shia's parents. I thought it had been done to perfection in The Iron Giant, but boy was I wrong.
Despite your critics, I didn't feel that there was a moment in the movie that was overblown or forced. After all, what's a summer movie without a throbbing soundtrack that tells the audience exactly how they're supposed to feel at any given moment. I certainly don't want to work too hard in the theater. It's hot outside and frankly, I haven't got the energy.
It's also good to see that you're helping bring much needed ad revenue to some companies. After seeing your movie, I want to rush out and guzzle some Mountian Dew while driving a GM car. In fact, I'm writing this now on an HP computer with a Panasonic screen. I know that these products brought gritty realism to your film and wasn't just the movie studio selling out.
I'm happy to know that my $11 contributes to the total haul your movie has made in its opening week and therefore deemed it a success. I feel that a little part of me is in the movie, every time I hear about it. There were so many ways you could have taken the movie, but I'm glad you stuck to your guns and made a true Michael Bay movie. It's one that I know will stand the test of time and surely will land a spot on some AFI list for decades to come. I applaud your success and can't wait for Transformers 2. I don't know how you can top the original, but I'm certain that your cinematic genius will guide you.